Ugh, my computer is being very slow again.

This weekend was eventful.

We got out of class early on Friday for the change in command. I went to my room and slept until like 6, then decided I didn't wanna waste anymore time. So I tried to think of things to do. Nothing came up. I just wanted to get up and go. Didn't matter where. So I did. I grabbed my zune and went on a walk. I ended up at Walmart and did absolutly nothing there but look at watches and movies. Left without buying anything then went back to base and texted Demetrus. This guy I knew from awhile back who wanted in my pants. He was fun to hang out with for a while though so I texted him and we decided to hang out. He picked me up and we went to the Liberty
Center where we played pool for a couple of hours, then we left and went back to his appartment for a party. It was pretty fun. I danced a bit and ate some pizza and got drunk. Also baught a bottle of alch for me and Tanner on Sat. When I got sleepy enough I went to bed with him and we were rubbing eachothers arms. At this piont I was like.. fuck this shit. I'm tired of being a virgin and basically yeah we had sex. It was my first time. Yay! It hurt, but not as much as I thought it would. I bled all over the place. xD Then I got up the next morning at 7 and went back to base. After about an hour of sitting around I went to chow, then left and came back to my room for another hour and then left for the liberty center were I played pool some more. Then I left to the IT lounge and saw this guy Mojica and we talked for a bit then he asked me to come with him to this chineese place, but I told him I already had plans with Tanner, which I did so.. yeh.

Catch up time!

Tanner was really upset thursday morning so I waited for her outside in the smoke shack. She didn't come out so I ran inside and basically asked her out to lunch. It felt pretty romantic. She said yes. We got some food and had a picnic by this park on base where we talked about why she was upset. Basically it was about her roommate who she's in love with and who doesn't love her back, but leads her on all the time. Yup. Never felt like I was in the friends zone until then. We snuck back into compound 3 instead of marching. I asked her if she would go movie hoping with me on saturday and she said yes.

Soooo yes on saturday I decided to ask her if she wanted to come with me and Mojica, so I texted her and called her and when she didn't answer I went to her room. Lacy answered and said she was on the phone. I told her I wanted to talk to her. Tanner came up and I said we were hitting this chineese place and wanted to know if she wanted to tag along. She said no, she was cleaning and doing laundry all day. I was immidately pissed and just left. I waited a minute before having this text conversation:

Me: Dude we had plans and if you're one of those people who make and break plans all the time let me know cuz I don't want a part of it.

Her: I can't tell the future. Sometimes I make plans and stuff comes up. Sorry.

Me: Right because cleaning and laundry can't wait until sunday.

Her: Why are you getting so angry? Did you think we were dating or something?

Me: I considered that lunch a date but it came without obligations. When I make plans with someone and they ditch me. I go away. I'm a good friend and I expected to be treated as such.

Her: Maybe you should find someone better.

Me: I never expected anything between us. It's not logical. I'm leaving soon and you're infatuated with your roommate. All I wanted from you was your time, but I guess that's asking for too much. Maybe you're right. Have a good day hanging out with Lacy.

And that's that. I do care about her, but I also care about myself and i'm not going to subject myself to someone who'll hurt me.

So I went movie hoping anyways with Mojica and we saw transformers, then went to the mall and walked around abit. I was upset about early and irritated with him, also I was very tired from the 3 hours of sleep I got last night. So I didn't talk much. After that I went to bed at like 9.

Today I woke up at 12 and watched movies all day. Then I hid my alch, which was an elaborate process and still failed to work. Then I went to ihop with Parker and we just randomly decided to go driving around and get lost. It was fun. :] Wish gas was cheaper so we could've done it longer, but yanno.. you win some you lose some.

Okay soo...Saturday I was going to the club with Higther and Deserei and Then Tanner shows up out of no where while I'm waiting for them to come pick me up and she asks me what I'm doing. I tell her I'm going to the club and she asks me why I never invite her. So I gave her my number and she ended up wanting to go. So pretty much while we were waiting she kept flirting with me and telling me that she wanted to have sex tonight or make out with some hot girl. And then I gave her this look and she was like "That means I won't doesn't it?!" And I was like "I donno, it's possible." D: But she kept hinting at it and was like pointing out that I was all nervous and flustered around her. And then she asked me how long I could keep eye contant and I immidately ran away. Damn nerves. And then they picked us up and I was thinking how I didn't want Tanner and I to just have a sex thing going cuz sex is something deeper to me.. and then Des starts playing this song that says "I wanna fuck you" over and over again, saying that I'd love it. And Tanners looking at me with this cocky smile. Ew. Embarrasinggggg. So we get to the club and stay in there long enough to play a game of pool before were sitting down and Highter and Desi are spending tons of time together..so I flipped a coin and decided to go outside, knowing full well that Tanner would follow. She did. She was like "This is creepy like somewhere you'd get raped." and I was like "You didn't have to come." and she started to hesitantly turn around and I said "But you can if you want." And she did and I took her back to this place I found myself confidence when I first got to Corry. We sat down and had a long talk about alot of shit. There were ants all over the ground but strangely, for once I didn't care. I finally found out the real reason why she thinks she deserves to die. A year from last month her best friend that she had known for 10 years, also the girl she was very much in love with and who loved her back died in a terrible car crash. Tanner was the one driving. They hit black ice and skid into the median. Her girlfriend died right before her eyes, by what she sees as her own hand. She blames herself very much and she thinks she deserves to suffer. She talked about how she didn't have the guts to face the girls mom and shit. It was upsetting to learn. I didn't know what to say so we just sat in silence for a bit with my head on her shoulder, then she changed the subject.

When we had reached a more light hearted subject a man came up and started asking us for money for whataburger cuz he only had enough for a coke and he wanted a hamburger too. It was funny, he walked up, tripped out of his shoe, then slowly bent down to pick it up. I think he was high or something, but there is no way anyone could be that stupid funny without knowing what they were doing. Tanner got up and handed him a five and was like "This is for you sir." And he was like "Thank you, I'll bring you the change." and she was like "No, sir I want you to keep it." And he was like "Thank you." and he started walking away and saw some money on the ground and said "Hey! I found some money!" And Tanner was like "It's your lucky day sir." and he went "It's my lucky day!" and started to walk off then he turned around and said "Yanno what? I can't go to whataburger cuz they say I stink, but the jokes on them cuz I know I don't stink! I took a bath in auto zone three weeks ago!" It was sooooo halarious!!! I will give him money if I ever see him again. Anyways we stayed out there all night before Highter and Desi were ready to leave. We got into the car and headed home and Tanner and I said goodnight with promices of goin to ihop in the morning.

Sunday I woke up and went to muster on time. Went back to sleep until ten thirty and sent her a text. She didn't answer so I just let it go. Then me and Highter talked about going skating so I asked if she wanted to go. Still no responce. Around 3 we all left for ihop and the movies we saw The proposal. It was really good. I liked it alot. During the movie I got a text from Tanner saying "Come to Tanners room." I said I couldn't. Then I got a call from her roommate. She told me to go to her room again. I said I couldn't cuz I was in a movie. She hung up. I texted her asking if she was alright. No responce. Tanner later said she was okay and that she had been sleeping all day.

Went back home and went to bed.

Today I was pissed at myself cuz we had to march again during black flag. I was about to straggle with the LLDs, but I didn't cuz I cowarded out cuz I didn't wanna get in trouble. I did bitch a lot though and I'm going to send something up the chain of command if the new CO doesn't change it when he takes over. Yup. Day went by. I learned the missle matrix I had to learn and passed PT test 2. Went home and updated my zune and put this song on there "I'm so high" by Grind Mode. Beatiful song. And then Tanner texted me and asked to borrow The L Word Season 2. So I finished up and brought it over to her. She took it and asked if I wanted to go to the mall. It was just me and her and I watched her buy the pills that were killing her and we got starbucks. Then we had to go pick up a firehouse sub for her friend. I took her pills and we faught over them. It was hot and I kept them. We got back to base and she kept telling me how she knew I would give them to her, so I was really tempted not to. So when the taxi stopped I got out right away and started leaving. She called me and told me she would be waiting for me to return her stuff. I did.... and we ended up sitting and talking and yeah. I donno. I really like her. It was a good night. I didn't want it to end.

So last night after chow I went back to my room and got some sleep cuz I have duty today and I had to wake up at 7. And I really didn't wanna go to the club, but I did anyways because I wanted to sort of? I donno. Like mostly I wanted to stay and sleep, but I just got up anyways. And yeah me and Highter ended up getting there at like 11. So it was already popin. I donno. The point of this is to say that I'm really glad I got out because holy fuck I got wasted and it was just amazing. I had a bit of a talk with this one girl who I've seen there several times. She was the one supplying me. She's a civilian. Very cool and cute, but also very much into lipstick lesbians. So we just stood around and talked for a bit. She got me so wasted. Hah. I was like.. dude I love you so much right now. Ugh. Lovin life. I got out on the dance floor and was so loosy goosy. I felt like I was dancin good, but I was so drunk I couldn't tell you. Anyways so Deserei came and picked me and Highter up and then we went to Nikkis (The girl who was giving me alch.) party and it was just a small party, but it was fun. I had more to drink and played with her evil cat who scrached and bit the shit outta my hand. I was cool with it though cuz I was gone. Nikki ended up giving me her number and she told me to call and she kept telling me to call so I guess I will. I didn't wake up for duty though so I missed muster. Woops. Oh well I called as soon as I woke up and told FC1 what happened.

So okay another reason to be annoyed with the military!! When you first get to Correy Station you have to get watch quals. One of the watches you qualify for is called MOOW and to qualify you have to read this book that explains rules about certian things that have to do with the quarter deck. Insides this book it states that there is NO MARCHING during black flag weather. Well.. I guess the top dog doesn't give a shit for his own rules because weve been marching for a long ass time now. Yesterday the guy that's suppose to take over for our current captain was walking around so they didn't make us march. And that's when they conformed that we weren't suppose to be marching during black flag. So if they decide to make us march during black flag again I'm not participating. Their own rules state we CANNOT march during black flag. If they want us to march during black flag they're gunna have to change thier rules.

1. Independant.

2. Adventurous.

3. Honest.

4. Trustworthy.

5. Creative.

6. Deep.

7. Happy.

8. Flirty

9. Passionate

I always like to sit back and look at how I've changed and I wanna show everyone, but sometimes I wonder if I ever really have. And every time I look back on the me I was, I feel resent and it bothers me. Who I was in the past made me who I am now, and if I can't embrace who I was back then, how can I expect to love myself now? But who could love me? I was insecure, I let everyone walk all over me. So passive. I wanna escape what I was made into. The way my mom is, it's no wonder I'm so nonconfrontational.

Sense I've joined the Navy, I've been spending alot of time at this site: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/PastNews1.htm#Playing-Hard-To-Get

And there's so much helpful information in there and I feel like it's actually helping me. It's like it calls me out and then tells me it's okay to feel the way I feel. Like it's okay to be nervous around people you like, and it's okay to want what you want.

I donno, I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to live a happier more fulfilling life.

So last night I was sitting around and I figured I was gunna tell Tanner how I felt. I decided it was stupid of me to play games and expect to get somewhere. Then I ran into her at muster and told her I needed to talk to her later, hoping to trap myself so I would have to tell her. I spent the whole morning trying to calm my nerves, telling myself she was just another person and she isn't worth getting this worked up over. This is true, but I couldn't calm myself completely. Then I started getting annoyed with myself for not being able to control my emotions. Anyways I went to lunch and she wasn't there so I went back to my room after eating and got onto that site. It basically told me that I feared rejection and it went on to list everything that I do. Then it told me to think of the worst situation that could possibly happen and laugh at how ridiculous it was. Like it kinda shows you that life will go on without them. It said instead of trying not to be rejected, accept that it might happen and go with it anyways. After reading that my day sorta changed. I stopped caring in general what people thought, at least a little bit. I said whatever was on my mind and for once in my fucking life I wasn't thinking about how I was coming off. I know I'm a good person and I make fairly good choices, but there's no reason for me to hold back. Guarantee these people won't matter to me in the long run unless they like me for me. So why try and be someone else? I'm fucking quirky, goofy and I like to have fun and laugh alot. And there's nothing wrong with that. There are gunna be people who can't handle it who judge me for everything I do, but those people are the ones that are really insecure with themselves. Sometimes I forget I'm not the only one waging wars against myself. So, in effort to better myself and be more happy with life in general, I'm going to dive head first into the face of rejection, and no matter what happens, I'm gonna come out alive.